Every once in a while I look around and see a pattern in my life I don't like. For example, repeated irritation at people for basically the same types of things. And I think - well, the common denominator here is me. What is up with that? : -)
These past few weeks seem to be full of lessons created by me not trusting my gut - both personally and professionally. And reminding me of the old adage - When someone shows you who they are, believe them. And I might add - believe yourself and your instincts.
Professionally I am untangling myself from a relationship that I went into knowing that the person wasn't always forthcoming and upfront. I knew this, but I told myself, it's OK - as long as I know this going in I can prepare for that, and it will be fine. .... Um, I'm "fine" - but I'm also really irritated at being lied to and having an agreement in place that was not completely upheld. So my commitment to myself going forward - don't go into business with someone who you have doubts about working with because their idea of integrity and exchange are not close to your own. They will do what they think is fair and right and you will just get really irritated with what you perceive as their lack of exchange and/or lack of integrity.
I have had similar feelings of wasting my time and extreme irritation with two men I've dated recently. However, if I'm honest with myself, I knew in my gut that both of them weren't for me long term. One I thought, it's OK we are both just friends who are sort of dating, so we won't run into relationship expectation issues. And the other, I just kept trying to see if it would work because he seemed like a nice guy, my friends all liked him, and he seemed to want similar goals as me. But I knew immediately when starting to date each of them that they weren't really present with me, and that they were very comfortable with keeping things on the surface.
This isn't wrong, but it isn't for me. I need a guy who can be and is comfortable being present with me and who is OK with establishing emotional and mental depth. So inevitably, their lack of presence created situations that made me feel they were being rude and selfish; and their unwillingness to create emotional and mental intimacy caused me pain. I'm sure they didn't mean it. I knew we didn't match up, but I kept dating them anyway, hoping that something would change or that it wouldn't really matter long term.
So here's to starting the tail end of May with a renewed commitment to be true to myself. And to not allow myself or others to talk me into entering or maintaining professional or personal relationships that I know in my heart are not aligned with me, my life and what I need and value in a relationship.